tantrum

not too long ago i was praying to know God's love more deeply. today as i stand before Him, i didn't feel like praising Him, i refused to praise Him. i am tired. i wanted answers like NOW. i wanted to happen My way. i am quite angry with God actually. fustrated with myself. idiot me. sometimes it is simply too tempting to want to throw in the towel and tell God. that's it. i am giving up. when pressure sets in, going get tough, temptations coming your way. indeed i like what apostle paul said to boast of His love for us and nothing of ourself as our flesh is very weak. not even our love for Him. so apt huh. i knew i am weak. but i never imagined that i can be that weak now, after all that has happened. tasted His good and can even have the tiniest thought to give it all up. its so sacry. thank God even when i am faithless, He remains faithful to me. He has reminded me it is indeed not my love for Him but His love for me that is important. for only His love for me will sustain me in times of need. remember remember that i love you with an ever lasting love. tonight he again bring to mind things He has said to me in the past. firstly he encouraged me even when i did nothing significant 'my child i am so proud of you' i was like...Lord you are proud of me? really very humbling experience. now i realised His intention. He knew i needed it to grow. the affirmation. a demonstration of His love. throughout the sermon tonight its as though He is reminding me of all the things He has said to me before. the rhema words he has spoken to my heart. smile. isn't God sweet. for the many mistakes that i make and one right that i do, He still will praise me and is proud of me. lol. He knew i will still make mistakes. yet when He told me 'it's ok to make mistakes, holy spirit will guide you back to God' for that moment i kindda felt insulted. what do u mean Lord!? i shall be careful. i will try not to make mistakes. i will listen to you. no more mistakes. i am determined not to repeat mistakes. but now i realised. there are times i didn't feel like listening! i simply cannot trust my own flesh! but God is so so good. His help is always timely. by the end of the night i am able to praise Him again. because of His love for me. continually wooing me. not relenting. it feels so reassuring and good to know that daddy God never never gives up on me. and i can be bold, make mistakes, take chances, knowing that He'll make everything to work out well for me. Praise the Lord forever and ever. amen.